Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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