Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
