He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
