apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
PANTIES FOUND
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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