Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
