Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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