Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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