Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
