Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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