I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
