just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
