mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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