if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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