I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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