Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
