I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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