I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
