I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I am available for nakedness
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
