did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize