dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
