my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize