3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
