we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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