Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize