Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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