worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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