He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
