do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
