I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
