mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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