Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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