I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
