I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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