apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
