Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
