Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
