It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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