i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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