Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
