talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
