Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize