Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
