i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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