i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I can feel your judgement through the phone
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
