HIV tests are more positive than that guy
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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