If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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