He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
