i think my mom watched the whole time
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
