the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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