you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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