Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
