I could make wine with my vomit
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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