Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
