Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
