he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
the liver wants what the liver wants
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
