It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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