so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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