That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
