I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
