I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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